Can nice people really hurt your feelings?

Everybody has been there. Feelings that are getting hurt by someone you know or even somebody you love.
This isn't about people who are being abusive or have bad intentions but people that are genuinely well meaning.

If we are not talking about the abusive ones then how is it possible that these well meaning people are able to do this?
But my actual question is, are they really doing this? Aren't we responsible for our own feelings?

I found this on
Michael Edelstein, in his book Three Minute Therapy, argues the line of cognitive-behaviorists and rational emotive therapists have argued for decades.
External events and people cannot make us feel any one certain way, even though it often seems that way.

So there you go.

It is because of the expectations and beliefs that we have what will already make up an answer or reaction in our head that we would like to receive. This is something we cause by ourselves. Which is good news actually. That means that we can steer our thoughts and beliefs.
Yup that is easier said than done.
For example telling yourself not to worry isn't helping, also when somebody else is saying this, not helping either. Why? Because we need a solution to stop worrying. Tools. We need a how do I stop this.

Pictures by Xaviera

'what screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it's suppose to be'

So now that we know we are in control we actually already have the answer.
Still it is kinda weird that these feelings keep coming up and it will be an issue for many of us.
Therefor I believe a few tips on how to put things in perspective are in order.

We all have other things on our mind

Everybody has stuff going on in their life. And we make time for each other in it. But sometimes your focus just isn't where it's suppose to be. Maybe a meeting you need to prepare or whatever kind of thought a person can have that needs some extra attention. So when somebody is a bit side tracked, no need to take it personal.

We don't know what kind of feedback you want

It is not always clear what your expectations are. Do you want an opinion or support. And still the feedback you get isn't always what you wanted. Try seeing the bigger picture. You are getting feedback from a well meaning person. It is okay to speak out you expectations, but let a person make their own decision on how to give you that personal feedback. And try being grateful that there is somebody that sincerely cares about giving honest feedback.

Because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to. Doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

We have our own stories

Somebodies response can be confusing sometimes. But take into account that we all have our own experiences from all kinds of different situations. People respond from their own experiences. You can ask the same question to 10 different persons and belief me the answers aren't going to be unanimous.

A quick note for the feedback givers:
Words do have power, choose them wisely but stay sincere and true to yourself.

Note for the feedback receivers:
Make sure to not embellish the story, ask for what you want and be grateful.

It really all comes out to one thing. WE LET people hurt our feelings. It is all about the interpretation.
Because seriously, the well meaning people have no intention of hurting you. Why would they?

So next time take a look at the bigger picture in your head and know that YOU and only you can control your feelings and that the solution is in your hands.

2 comment(s):

  1. Love this post! I think it's so easy to get stuck in your own head, and while having expectations of people is natural - we often forget to voice those expectations. Communicating effectively with others, and more importantly with yourself, is so very important.


    And kudos on this quote. It really puts life into perspective. [=

    ♡Em |

  2. Hi Em, thanks for your great comment. Glad you liked it and can relate to it. It all starts with ourselves and it also ends with ourselves. Keep on communicating :)

    Love. X



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